a name is important isn't it?: When you need a friend....

Sometimes when you get a call from someone they manage to say just the right words to send you into a mini panic. Today that happened. There is a woman here that I work with often. She has one of the most sincere and determined spirits ever! She has recently returned to school to finish high school after having 3 kids. Because of this decision she has had a rough road in the home life department. Her "husband" was less than thrilled about her going to school and in the past 3 months has been very vocal about it. He has told her on multiple occasions that she shouldn't go to school and that she is too old and stupid to be able to finish school and that he will kick her out of the house if she doesn't quit. however, despite these threats her thirst for knowledge is too strong because she want to make a better life for her kids so she can't stop.

So today the call came that i guess i had been waiting for since learning about her home life. She called to inform me that her husband had officially kicked her out of the house and she has no where to sleep and she doesn't know what to do. Basically she has hit rock bottom and doesn't know how to climb back out.

I have worked with a lot of people to help them in really crummy circumstances, but sitting on the bench with her as she crumbles under the thought of possibly loosing her kids because she wants to be educated so that she can provide for a better life for her kids was something that is hard to process. Because the laws here in Uganda give no rights to the mother over her kids. So even though she carried each of them in her belly for 9 months and has been working hard to scrape together enough money to provide for them food and school fees so that they can be educated, the man still has all the rights to do whatever he wants with the children. which means if he is angry enough at her to kick her out, he has all the "rights" to keep her from her kids as well arg, i could talk about how messed up that is, but it would just make me even more infuriated. so ill get back to the story.

I went and met her at the slums to talk with her about what was happening and see what i could do to help, So as i was sitting there trying to figure out how to help her i finally began to see her as a person. let me explain that. Being here in Uganda it is often hard not to look at a problem and see all the ways that money could fix it. and i think having been here for 3 months already my first thought is how much it would cost to fix such and such problem. So at first that was my initial thought. I was thinking, well, i wonder how much rent costs. I think i have 50,000 shillings in my wallet i wonder if that would cover a months rent and then we can figure out what to do. And then i would need to give her some food money so that she can feed herself and then her kids probably need food money too... and as i am thinking all of these things through i catch myself and think. Wait cami, if you were in America and one of your friends came to you with her problems what would your first thought be to do? it most certainly wouldn't be, well how much money do i need to give her to get her stable. It would be to LISTEN. listen to her problems, don't try to automatically fix them yourself. grieve with her as she opens her heart out to you about her concerns and worries and fears, and then help her to find her own solution. Listen and ask questions, but don't solve the problems for her, because she is the only one that can truly get herself out of the situation she is in.

So i realized i was just a friend with a shoulder to cry on. She didnt' call me because she wanted me to throw money at her trials. She needed someone to talk to that would help her figure out what options she has. And so that is what we did. We talked and she was able to identify someone that might be willing to let her spend the night. And she was able to solve the immediate problem of where to sleep. Her heavy trials and burdens didn't automatically and magically get fixed because i talked to her. but she was standing a little bit taller when we walked out of the church we met it. And she seemed a little more confident in her ability to handle her situations.

So, who knows what exactly will be her solution, but its nice to know that sometimes the thing that is most needed in a time of crisis, trials, and hardship, is a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. Not that i wouldn't mind giving that husband a piece of my mind and being the one that comes in and saves the day for a friend, I was able to help her see a little bit more of the incredible person she is and the amazing strength she has.

I hope she continues to remember that.